I have come to a frightening realization, and I have taken too much time in doing so. Unfortunately, I have allowed my own depression, lack of self criticism, and egotistical rantings get the better of who I really am.
I started out here with the best of intentions; To help those in need of guidance regarding sabers, and enjoying what many of us love about something magical. I let all that fall by the wayside due to many personal issues.
I have allowed my life to spiral out of control, and I have let a great many people down, including my own family, both here on these forums, and in my personal life. After a long dry spell in creativity, as well as an overly drawn out break from EVERYTHING, I have done a lot of soul searching. In doing so, I have realized that I have done many things to make this situation worse.
Why am I writing this in the Outer Rim Section? Because I am Outer Rim Armory. Just me... Many have tried to help, but I just do not know where to turn for guidance. I feel as though I am slipping away from who I truly am, and into a fetid quagmire...
Here I sit, fallen from the graces, and all because I allowed myself to become weak, fighting things that need not be fought, while ignoring the things that require my attention.
My youngest daughter just celebrated her 2nd birthday, and all I could think about was getting things taken care of business wise, while still keeping my head above water, and not allowing the depths to claim me.
I know that I am extremely behind with all things saber at the moment. Jango Fett and I are working on getting the situation with the Overlords straightened out. This weekend has been spent getting everything squared away, and I will be transferring a few hilts to him so that we can get things cut and dried on that end.
I also realize that I have many other orders outstanding that I need to fill. I selfishly took a little too much personal time to mentally and physically heal. For that I apologize, and I do want everyone to know that I am working on getting things together to attempt to get all orders cleared in a manner that will best suit quality as well as speed.
To those that want to keep reminding me of my shortcomings, I would like to thank ou for ever so vigilantly doing so. I mean no disrespect when I say this. I was wrong for running off with my tail between my legs, and hiding from a world that I felt no longer cared enough.
Basically, I know that in business, it is not anyone's place to care about anything but business. Unfortunately, I am not a drone to be commanded, and I too have feelings, just like everyone else.
I want to thank the following people for sticking it through, and encouraging me to come forth as I am now.
Jango - Dude, how can you stand even talking to me anymore? Seriously, your offer of assistance is greatly appreciated, but I would like to get some of this taken care of myself. I am going to take you up on part of that offer, and I still have to get some calculations in order for what we discussed on the phone.
Raijlin - Marine, you knew just when to call to remind me that I need to kick the tires and light the fires. You put a lot of things into perspective, and I value our friendship.
Ultra - Alex, you have done more for me than anyone else, but I feel as though there is some friction here man. I've tried calling you quite a few times, and to no avail. I have been informed of the move going on, and I need to explain some things to you. If only to clarify, and to apologize for my shortcomings.
Yoda - Thank you for your Pep talk the other day. It helped, and I am feeling the urge to get my butt in gear again to put right the things that went WAAAYYY Wrong.
Luke - I got your message the other day, and had meant to call you back. It's been rough attempting to contact all those that have called. Please forgive, and allow me a few days to get things taken care of.
Master Jedye - Man, I really appreciate all you have done, and I apologize for dropping off the face of the earth for a few months here. Expect an email from me in the next week. :)
Chewie - Dude! Same as for MJ. 8)
GMLumpy - Lumpy, I got your message Yesterday. I should say I was relieved to hear from you, and I may just be asking some advice friend... I need some guidance.
To everyone that I owe parts, services, and sabers - You are NOT forgotten, nor are you ignored. I had some major stuff to work out personally, and for that I am sincerely sorry. I let my insecurities and personal issues get in the way of taking care of what I should have done LONG ago. I have literally THOUSANDS of emails to pour through, and quite a few shipping labels to print, amidst taking time to seek out a way to pay the bills to keep the shop running as to get all this overhead and backlogging taken care of.
I took on way too much of a workload, and allowed it to frizzle-fry any semblance of efficiency. I made my bed, and now I am laying in it. It's time to tackle the beast, bite the bullet, and go for broke (not like I can get any worse off at this point).
I have not slept for over 48 hours now, worrying about how I am going to accomplish all of this. My Children will be up soon, and I still have a mountain of sabers to take care of.
I know this may all seem a bit jumbled, and rambling on, but there is this thing called sleep deprivation that is keeping my thoughs off a normal track, so I apologize for the random spurts of excessive typing.
I toss and turn every night, wracked with thoughts of failure (which I have already accepted), as well as worries about where I am going, and how I am going to get there.
I think I need to seek out professional help. Does anyone know any decent programs that offer pro bono psychological treatment? :-[ I need help. My mind is racing, and I feel really lost some days. :P