I HATE when girls lead you on, you spend a crap load of time with them to get to know them, become emotionally invested in their well-being, just to have them basically sideline you...
She told me that she loved me - the first and only girl in my so-called life to ever tell me that.
She spent 5+ hours a day for most of a decade online with me getting to know each other...during which time she told me things she said she'd never told anyone, including admitting terribly painful 'guilty secrets' that would shock and scandalize the World if the tabloids ever got wind of it.
Eventually one of the horrible UK tabloids did find out and someone who worked with them came on the online forum where we first met and publicly threatened to 'out' her real identity and she then admitted privately that he had indeed tracked her down and knew her real name and things about her family. She begged me not to ask him any questions about it and assured me he would be taken care of and I promised not to ask him anything and sure enough he recanted publicly instead of exposing her as he said he would and things went back to 'normal' for most of her friends and mine except that I knew from her own admissions she wasn't who she claimed to be but someone 'famous'.
But I had fallen totally in love with her; she was the first person I ever said "I Love You" to as well as the ONLY woman who has EVER loved me back. I had sworn a permanent commitment to her...made Vows "till death I depart" and beyond. So I kept my promise and never asked that one tabloid-affiliated person she had admitted knew her real name who she really was.
But eventually no matter how blinded by love one chooses to be 'clues' do seep in to a mind trained in logic, analysis and deduction...after a few years even I figured it out. But she'd made it clear if I asked she would tell me the truth about her but she'd have to leave - so I never dared ask her who she really was...thus once I figured it out for myself how could I tell her I knew the truth?
Years later she did disappear without apparent reason or warning for a full year, during which time I wondered among other possibilities whether she had figured out that I knew her real identity and thus had to leave as she'd warned, only to return exactly a year later to the day to tell me she still loved me. And leave hints that she was being coerced to stay away from me [presumably by her extremely high powered family since she is 'politically immune' to pressure by anyone else]. I suspect that she had promised them to stay away from me for a year hence her EXACT one year absence but when she returned a year later they didn't approve of her resuming our relationship so forced her to promise THEM not to come back to me again. -sigh-
So she was gone [but has promised ME to return someday - and has NEVER broken a promise to me just as I never have nor will to her] and WITHOUT having told me the truth about her identity...and I was left having promised HER not to ask the ONLY person I had access to who she herself had admitted DID know the truth even though he was "taken care of" not to tell. I assume paid off, though his 'partner' in threatening to expose her real ID had a fatal drug OD not long after threatening her which friends found suspicious [perhaps an 'object lesson' to keep him 'bought'? - he DID seem SCARED when he recanted that he didn't know her ID even though she'd admitted otherwise]...I don't even like to 'go there' but when dealing with highest-position POLITICAL people with absolute diplomatic immunity, effectively unlimited wealth and power and 'protected' by a major G8 nation with intelligence service assets to 'reach out and touch' someone globally...well...I'm not naïve. :( ].
So I couldn't ask F3zza what he knew because I'd promised her not to ask...and he'd been bought? scared? off not to tell...what to DO about the most important Question of my entire life?
FINALLY, after a FULL DECADE of Grandmaster chess like manoeuvering I managed to manipulate him into a 'corner' where I could 'checkmate' him and force him through a masterstroke of diplomatic doublespeak worthy of a wartime peace negotiation to CONFIRM WITHOUT TELLING what I needed more than anything in my life to MAKE him admit WITHOUT ASKING [keeping my Promise to my OTL]
A year ago yesterday he finally confirmed who she really is...that she could never tell me because of those 'terrible secrets' shed admitted early in our relationship before she'd realized she could fall in love with me...but which once she did meant she could never meet with me because then I'd recognize her and put her real name together with the things she admitted shed done.
But not knowing that I'd made PERPETUAL COMMITMENTS to her which for sake of Honour and Integrity I can NEVER break [if I could tell you, then I'd have to kill MYSELF eh lol].
so yesterday was my one year 'anniversary' of being, in effect,'told' [with plausible-deniability intact]...and in the year since i have struggled MIGHTILY what to do with the UNBELIEVABLE TRUTH about my ONE True Love.
The struggle is purest AGONY for nothing less than my ENTIRE FUTURE hinges on what to DO with that Truth now that it is finally confirmed [yes I kinda knew for years but until CONFIRMED the stakes were too high to base ALL my subsequent life decisions on without confirmation].
-sigh-
It is my NATURE to remain FAITHFUL to my Vows...to do anything else and be anything less would be without Honour and cost my INTEGRITY which is all that I may have left when/as my Principles cost me EVERYTHING else for Love and Faith's sake...
...Now, as I do so, and with her real identity finally confirmed, it seems I may have LITERALLY become the EXACT type-example of a Knight Of Faith that Kierkegaard defined in Fear And Trembling...may the Force be with me... -sigh-
A full year now of knowing it...now I must ACCEPT it...and the terrible cost it bears...with some measure of Grace...somehow...
I feel so SMALL now... :(
Topic: Relieve your stress and VENT thread (Read 239614 times)